Remember

Remember to make eye contact. Remember not to fidget. Remember to be polite. Remember to act like the other kids. Remember…. All the little reminders we heard constantly telling us this is how good kids act as part of society to fit in. But, it’s something that in being neurodivergent, I never stop thinking about. A lifetime of constant reminders I had to rehearse in my mind; to remember every step of the way.
Constantly keeping a mental check list of what I was supposed to do while watching others, learning, adapting, and copying in attempts to not stand out, to look ‘normal’; to not miss anything that would make me stand out.
Remember is a visualization of that checklist as a self reflection of masking and attempting to become those around me in hopes of fitting in, being normal, being… liked. Shot on 35mm black and white film in a studio with artificial lighting, I create an abstract of the many rehearsed behaviors repeated for so many years. Focusing intentionally on those odd places we look to observe; looking for cues and motions, reminders of behaviors, lest we forget and be found out as ‘different’.
This self portrait reflects a lifetime of wandering, blind to why I had to keep rehearsing those words over and over, asking why it never came natural like it seemed to for everyone else. Constantly on alert for mistakes, lest I be found out. Clarity finally coming from a late adult diagnosis of autism, suddenly allowing these actions and routines to be viewed with a full understanding and eventually, acceptance. Now, I try to remember that I don’t have to wear that mask so rigidly.