Remember

Remember to make eye contact. Remember not to fidget. Remember to be polite. Remember to act like the other kids. Remember…. All the little reminders we heard constantly as kids when our parents took us places or left us somewhere without them. The things we are expected to do as part of society that we are taught are right and basic expectations to fit in and be polite. But, it’s something that in being neurodivergent, I never stopped thinking about, everywhere I go, everyone I interact with. A lifetime of constant reminders I had to rehearse in my mind; to remember every step of the way.
As I rehearsed these things, and kept a mental check list of what I was supposed to do, watching others, learning, adapting, copying what they do in attempts to not stand out, to look ‘normal’; keeping a mental checklist along the way to not miss anything.
Remember is a visualization of that checklist as a self reflection of masking and attempting to become those around us in hopes of fitting in, being normal, being… liked. Shot on 35mm film in a studio, creating an abstract of the many rehearsed behaviors repeated for so many years. Focusing intentionally in those odd places we look to observe looking for cues and motions, reminders of behaviors, lest we forget and be found out as ‘different’. It reflects a lifetime of wandering, blind to why I had to keep rehearsing those words over and over, and it never came natural like it seemed to be for so many others. Clarity to finally define it coming from a late adult diagnosis of autism, suddenly allowing these actions and routines to be viewed with a full understanding and eventually, acceptance. Now, I try to remember that I don’t have to wear that mask so rigidly instead.